Families That Play Together, Stay Together

This may sound like an oversimplification, but the family that isn’t “working” is the family that isn’t playing together. Playing together is an essential trait of happy, healthy families. Certainly our children need to do their chores, and of course they need discipline with consistency, but what they also need desperately from their parents is a rousing game of hide-and-seek or a monthly Ping-Pong tournament.


A great thing happens to families when they play together: They begin to talk and laugh and lighten up. Family memories are built, inside jokes are shared, and serious moments of intimacy are communicated. Families need special times together to build lifelong memories and to play together.


As most experts will tell you, a family that plays together stays together. But I would add that a family that plays together will also be much more happy and healthy. For many families, play is the missing ingredient that glues the family together. Play can even open closed spirits and heal broken marriages.


We know instinctively that play produces family togetherness and support. We know that when we play together, we have a deeper sense of belonging and community in the family. Parents must proactively work at making a sense of belonging and community one of their key goals for family togetherness.


Playing together as a family may open up the communication lines better than anything else you try, so now is the time to be proactive and create those family fun days and events that provide the catalyst for more effective communication. Do whatever it takes to keep the lines open, even if it means picking up a basketball or going to the park on a regular basis. Playing together and having a good time just may be the safety net you need to make a difference in your child’s life.


Todd Dean is one of my heroes. I’ve known him much of my adult life. He is a talented person with an M.B.A. from Stanford University. At the university, Todd was a gymnast. When I first met him, he was teaching students from my youth group to do a standing backflip. All I could do was think about liability, and yet the kids loved watching him do his incredible flips. He invited me to try a backflip. I made a fool of myself, but he still encouraged me.


Todd married Charlotte. They had two beautiful children, and he had a very high-paying job. Todd’s career was going through the roof. Then tragedy struck: Charlotte died of a brain tumor. Before Charlotte died, Todd had told me he wanted to coach his children’s little league and soccer teams. Because Todd’s career would soon include travel, he had to make some difficult decisions about his career. Todd was making good money, but it wasn’t as important as playing catch with his son or rollerblading with his daughter

Todd made the decision to quit his high-paying job and become a professor, so he could play more with his kids and coach those teams. His annual salary was cut to what was once his annual expense account. His lifestyle had to change. He doesn’t live in as large a house as he once did, and his car isn’t the same model as some of his Stanford M.B.A. friends; but he is happily coaching his children’s teams. He is now married to a lovely woman named Becky who suffered a similar loss. They have four happy, content, and well-adjusted children who play and interact daily with their dad and mom–who have sacrificed financially to help their family thrive. The benefits of playing together are far more valuable than a big paycheck.


These days, we all live with stresses of a fast-paced life. Playing together is one area of our busy lives that we can pretty easily choose to cut out – in order to make the other areas of our lives easier to manage. Yet, I challenge you: Don’t cut back on playing together. This is one simple area of life that can yield incredible benefits for you and your family.

Are You Raising Confident Kids or Cling-ons?

Every stage of life can be stressful whether you are 2 or 22. So how can a parent instill greater strength to help their son or daughter move forward through those stages with confidence instead of being needy and insecure?


When a child is overprotected by their parents, they often feel safe and comfortable because they don't have to face any fears. It can feel wonderful to a child, for a while. Then, as their peer group moves forward with confidence, it leaves a child feeling extremely insecure.

Think about your first day of school. Most of us can remember the feelings from leaving our mom or dad on the sidewalk to marching onto the school bus or into the school building … alone. Were you scared, or kind of excited? Kids who have been overprotected sometimes describe this as one of the worst days of their life which is so sad because it didn't have to happen.


If a child has been prepared to face the normal changes and challenges of preschool or early elementary, they can anticipate and feel excitement about the process of being a "big kid now". Children want to grow up strong; God has placed inside the heart of every child the desire to mature. That's why when you ask little kids, "how old are you?", they won't tell you they are six … no, they will tell you they're six and a half!


Overprotected children don't develop early strength and often feel shy or scared of the decisions that they (or their parents) will one day have to face. Here is a "NICE", quick parenting formula to help build confidence into your son or daughter at any stage of life:


N – Notice
Pay attention to the needs of your child, especially their maturity or ability to manage new tasks. If you want your daughter to successfully attend swimming lessons, then start talking about the benefits and how other kids love to go to swimming lessons. Maybe even find a children's book on the subject to start the discussion, which reduces the stress, (or customize “1 fish, 2 fish, red fish, blue fish” and make it about your children having a grand adventure together swimming).


I – Involve
Keep kids involved in the normal changes and decisions by asking them questions, showing them pictures, maybe going on short trips to visit places ahead of time (this is why "meet the teacher" events are so very important for children to attend). It builds their confidence and emotional strength to leave the safety of being with mom or dad to venture forward past the shyness to feel secure in this gradual growing-up process. This works with simple changes children face, such as getting a "big boy bed" or spending a few special days with Grandma. Talking about the process also relieves stress.


C – Correct
Wow, is this one important! Children need their parents help because they won't get it right the first time. In fact, it may take many times to learn new behaviors. Gentle, but loving correction is how kids can learn new skills without feeling like a failure. Don't yell at a child for making mistakes. Use your words to instill the belief that you know they can do it. Give them the instructions, show them what you expect, and then step back and see how they do. Learning to ride a bike is a good example of trial/error, but in the end they can zoom forward and yell, “Mommy, watch me go!” And you will have given them a new skill for a lifetime, instead of the insecurity of having quit before mastering a new ability.


E – Encourage
This is essential for parenting confident children. They need to know that you believe in them. Notice I didn't say love them. Loving a child is essential for self-worth, but love alone won't give them strength in stressful situations. Your words of affirmation give your child courage to face their fears and insecurities, like sleeping in a room with the lights off. Saying “you can do this” will give your son more strength than just telling him you love him. Just look at the word with a dash inserted… en-courage, which means to build up courage, and your child will need that ability their whole life.
*Reprinted with permission from the LifeWorks Group weekly eNews, (Copyright, 2004-2009), To receive this valuable weekly resource, subscribe at http://m.cbn.com/redir/redirect.aspx?p=http://lifeworksgroup.blogspot.com/.